House Rules

Sometime ago, I posted something or the other about my wedding. Of course, after the wedding, my boo thang and I will be moving in together to live happily ever after. For better or for worse, I consider this equivalent to sharing a room in a hostel. So, naturally, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up some rules that would enable us to co-exist peacefully and happily for ever after.

·         If there’s anything Nollywood has taught me, it’s that your extended family will ruin your marriage. Thus, as a result of my extensive training from the prestigious AfMag Institute, there will be no members of our extended families at our house for extended period of time (where extended = too-long visits or staying the night). No, your cousin will not be squatting with us until he/she gets a job. Your uncle’s in town? Wonderful! Allow me to recommend a fabulous hotel you can feel free to pay for if you’re so inclined. And your mother’s second cousin’s niece’s daughter will most definitely not be staying the night. I’m certain she saw the time when she left wherever she came from. Initially, I was going to insist nuclear family steer clear too, but we can negotiate this privately J

·         I’ve often heard people make statements along the lines of “Having separate bedrooms kept my parents’ marriage going.”. The devil is a liar. Please be aware that I consider this one of the highest forms of bull poopoo. We will NOT under any circumstances be sleeping in separate bedrooms. You can have your den and I can have my crafts room, and we can fight and scream and throw things at each other, but be rest assured that we will sleep in the same room every night. Unless one of us is out of town, of course.

·         Please, please and please. E ji m Chukwu a yo gi. There will be no cheating conducted within the walls of our matrimonial home. I desperately believe I will marry a man who makes me not want to be with anyone else. Just as desperately, if not more, I also want to believe my husband will feel the same way. Should this turn out not to be the case, my heart insists that it’s for the best if illicit affairs are kept outside the house. Chop, clean mouth, come home.

·         Cuddling is great. But sleeping comfortably is so much greater. In due time, you will come to realize that I favor one side of the bed more than the other. Please stay on the side I have left available for you. I love better when I’m well rested, don’t you?

·         When in doubt, or not, just do as I say. If we’re married, then you already know I like things done a certain way – mine.  Just because we’re married doesn’t mean you should stop trying to make me happy by doing what I say. And no, you still can’t rub it in my face on the off chance that I am wrong.

·         Please adhere to the kitchen duty timetable I will draw up. With both of us being such great cooks and having equally busy schedules, it’s important for the kids to always have something healthy to eat at home. Rotating the cooking days will keep me sane. Unless you want me to turn into one of those spiteful women who feel like they are being taken advantage f in their own home.

I have a lot more helpful suggestions in my head, but a lot of them are pretty private, if you know what I mean, and the rest just make me seem crazy. Stick with these, and we’ll be fine, for as long as we are. I’m not really asking for much am I?

Love you always.

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