PROMPT: Write a letter to someone you have something to say to. (Remember to go with your “first flash,” and write for 10 minutes without stopping or thinking.)
Gosh, I’m actually going to do this. It seems utterly ridiculous that I had to wait for a prompt to do this, but hey! We don’t always expect the curve balls we get thrown by life. On the plus side, you might actually get to this and have a deep thinking session as a result of the sincerity I’m going to attempt to pour into the next couple of paragraphs…or not. Either way, here goes.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually been thinking about this for weeks now – almost a month, actually. i’ve thought about just confronting you directly, and even apologizing even though I’m not entirely sure what for. More than anything else, I’ve tried to move on and just forget it all but I just can’t and it’s getting on my last nerve.
It’s extremely annoying how you want/miss something a hundred times more when you can’t have it. Much more when you actually had it but let it get taken away.
I am willing to admit that I may not have acted like someone who cares or a friend when I made the decision I did. But I need(ed) you to understand the reason behind my resolve. Even now, I feel like I wasn’t able to get you to understand, to see things my way. Maybe that’s the problem? In retrospect, it was probably pretty short of me to expect you to understand what was in my head without even sharing it with you or giving you a detailed explanation. I guess it was one of those female moments where i expected you to read my mind. Or more like asking you to jump based on blind faith alone. Man, I screwed up.
Truth is, I was too busy trying to keep myself from getting hurt, I completely ignored the fact that I had upset you. At the time, I just wanted to focus on vindicating myself and carrying on the way things were than being the friend I should have been. Things just got way too complex and messed up and I thought I could get it all under control. Even when I shut you out, you still reached out and I stupidly tried to play the whole thing down when what I should have done was tell you everything.
I wanted to beg right after, I really did. But this pride of a thing is a bitch and a half. Again, I chose to play it cool. Damn load of good that did me – here I am now doing what I should have done weeks ago. This woman of steel act is honestly getting pretty tiring.
I miss you M, honestly and truly. Is it too much to ask that we be friends (again)? Or, at the very least, try? I mean, we’re kind of even now, right? So we can maybe just start over? *sigh* even typing this feels like the wishful thinking of a star struck adolescent. But I honestly can’t help it. Go hard or go home, yeah? I never really felt like we had something where we could just share whatever, but I’m hoping that’ll change and I’m starting by putting all this out here.
Will you see this? Will I grab my balls in my fist and reach out to you directly? No one really knows, I guess. But if you do see this before I man up, then I hope you see how much I miss you.