My Rainbow

Life. Fire. Power. Red hot pain.
Blood that runs through my veins,
Filling me with the illusion of life,
and yet tumbles out at every scratch
Every cut releases a fresh drop
Cool. Smooth.
Running down my skin free of restraint.
The trail it leaves easily tints my skin
The colour left behind…

It reminds me of leaves in autumn
And long walks along the beach watching the sunset.
But only just a little
The beautiful marigolds that lace the garden across the street
How delicate they look. I compare them to me.
This cell, it makes me weak.
Tortures my soul and frees my tears
I scream with my lips sealed so no one hears
Who will save me?

I need a hero; a man of strength and valour
To don his cape and lasso the moon
It’s been so long since I saw the sun
Who knew I’d miss it so much?
Not me, obviously. I was basking in it’s warmth, and cussing it out when I felt it was too much.
Now it’s gone and I crave those burns I so despised.
The canary, she sings to melt my heart
I wish her away, but still she stays
Chirping in my ear, day in, day out

But there’s little I can do
You see? We’re stuck here, we two
And the green grass she speaks off is way over on the other side
A side I’m starting to believe doesn’t exist
I journeyed a while searching, before I wound up here
And all I have to show for it are my insecurities and shattered hope
They ricochet off the walls and stab me repeatedly
At first it hurt, but I’ve grown accustomed to the feeling
And I completely understand
They’re as irritated by me as I am by myself

I’ve embraced the darkness almost completely
Let it merge with me, and take over
I begin to forget things I need so desperately to remember
Like if the sky is really blue
Or if I really did enjoy the blues
The cheering crowd echoes at the back of my mind
Those days, only yesterday, seem so long long ago
Voices not so distinct, faces all merging into one giant ball of chaos
I try to reach, open my mouth to scream

Alas I’m yet lost and silent
Trapped in darkness as vast as the midnight sky
Desperately trying to escape myself.
Yes, I’m aware I’m trapped in my own mind.
A web of hurt, and hopelessness and grief
One I took the time to weave so intricately
And now I seek release, so I must make peace

I must treat myself like royalty
Move and speak like a greek goddess
I’ve come to realise no one will do this but me
Each man the emperor of his own universe
Laying back and letting subjects feed them grapes all freshly plucked
For the help I seek, I know I must look past this realm
I recall being there a while, but my patience must have worn out
Maybe I need to find my way back there. Maybe.

There’s a pot of gold of gold waiting if you follow a rainbow?
Bitch please, that shit’s just a metaphor.
Before you go searching, gotta ask yourself watchu looking for.
Sometimes, the insecurities they take a break
And then what little hope is left tries to sneak back in
Most times, it succeeds but it never stays long
And it just feels like I’m back at square one
But hope is what we need the most
Because only when you hope for something with all your heart
Can you even begin to have faith
Isn’t that what they say.

I guess my real problem isn’t really the lack
But that more often than not, against all else, I just really hope it all fades to black.

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